So I have to admit, there is just something about you that calls to me. You are like a child when you light up with that smile. But I know there is another side to you that I haven't seen yet and I hope that I can earn your trust enough to see it.

It's like a drought or a flood, nothing or everything. You completely fucked me up. If I give in, and I remember, which almost everything makes me...then it comes rushing in and I feel everything. The anger,the pain, the sadness and more, it's just empty though. But when I ignore it, you...there's just, nothing. I'm numb.

P, you know you have really done a number on me. God it's like I can't even escape you, which makes no sense because you left. You were my best friend, and I loved you dearly. Maybe more than I should have. Fuck, you know, everything seems to spark a memory of you. Even my favorite new show. Ironically my favorite character, Sid, he reminds me so much of the you that I used to know. Every fucking bit. Tonight I snapped and cried for you again. God I wish I was as cold as you, not remembering, not caring, and certainly not hurting.

I'm scared of a lot of things right now. Myself, and everyone else. I don't want to leave the house when it isn't necessary because I am terrified of getting hurt again. I can't even admit things to myself anymore. Does that even make any sense? Well, either way it is the truth. I have isolated myself from the world, and even then there are cracks in the wall I built and things keep slipping through. Like you. Even though you moved away, I seem to see you every where and ti's driving me insane. Haven't you hurt me enough already? Because of you I don't want any one else near me, because there is absolutely nothing else left in me to break. The fight has all gone out of me and I'm hurting, terribly bad. You know how I live now? If you can even call it living. I have become a ghost of the girl I was, I read, and I watch shows, I live through things that aren't real. I go through the motions but even then, I'm not really into any of it. I hope you are happy where ever you are, and I hope that maybe there is some chance you still remember me, if the drugs haven't taken memories from you to along with decency. And if they haven't I hope you have each thing, and I hope you're ashamed of yourself, of what you've done. Maybe it isn't fair I blame you, but it isn't just you and we both know that. You just happened to be the final pebble that made it all collapse.

I'm clean. I've been clean for quite a while. But you, you make be want to take it all over again. You make me want to get so fucking high that I don't even know myself anymore. And that really scares me.

It's my fucking money, I earn it. Therefore I will do what I bloody well want with it. Even if that means hiring some Male Elf Strippers.

You're still very much alive, somewhere. But the way I keep breaking down, it's as if you've died. It's like I'm standing here and the world is going on around me, but how can they? can they not see that I'm hurting, screaming silent lungs out inside. Everything is just so surreal. Can't you tell me that I'm being just a little bit stupid? Can't you tell me anything? I never got goodbye, but maybe I would not have handled it. But then again I'm not handling it now. Unless you call crying, and looking back handling things? I miss you. But maybe you don't miss me. I'm actually terrified that maybe you hate me and it was all some big charade.