If there's beauty in the breakdown then why am I such a mess?

I don't think I belong anywhere, maybe it's true no one loves me like the kids at school always used to say, I just never noticed until now. Ok maybe that's a bit dramatic but I still don't belong anywhere. After I freaked out on a prank because I was hurt and upset when it was played on me, I haven't been able to sit with my group of friends. And now apparently they sit and have conversations at lunch about how I'm such a fucking bitch but they haven't stopped to think that maybe I'm hurting, a lot. Then an home I'm never included in anything but i want Grampa and Fe to recognize that I am in fact part of this family too. They wait until I'm not home to go out and family vacations consist of them going somewhere nice and leaving me home alone and then Grampa driving me somewhere whining how I'm wasting his time. Just once I want someone to just care, I want to know I belong.

Well I'm sixteen now and it sucked. You hear all this stuff about being sixteen being all good but I didn't have a Sweet Sixteen I had a Sour Sixteen. My best friend ditched me when ALL I wanted was to hang out with her for just once, but I guess that's too much to ever want on any day. I realize it was the misunderstanding but what hurt me was the fact that Miranda never once apologized or made it up to me by maybe hanging out later. Oh well I guess at least I have the greatest brothers ever Grant sent me flowers and Randy said Happy Sweet Sixteen in a million different ways.

Sweeping dirt under a rug doesn't do much good it only appears the floor is clean but really the mess is just hidden. Just like not talking about what happened, how we feel, how I felt. It's sweeping the problems and the hurt away and pretending it's not there it does no good but to make an illusion.

I am kind of upset there's another girl Cory has eyes for but at the same time I'm ok. I still do have hots for someone else just not as much as Cory.

I'm curios as to what it would be like as a bookmark...I mean living in the pages of so many books, getting to know the many stories so intimately. From clean crisp pages of new books to the old soft stained ones of those passed from generation to generation.

Fad, popularity, cool. Words that ultimately rule the minds of the many drones in high schools, the "in crowds" who are really nothing more then unoriginal followers. If it's commercialized or different they somehow suddenly "Always" liked it and it was such a huge part of there life. Everything, I swear has to become one of their fads, Bisexuality, Twilight and now Tim Burton's newest creation, Alice In Wonderland. As soon as it was commercialized BAM! all these "Burton fans" popped up and were so into it....NOT. I bet half of them don't even really know who the fuck Tim Burton is or that he specializes in bringing the greatest things to life in twisted creepy ways that are just so appealing, they don't even know the story of Alice In Wonderland. Besides that half of them hadn't even heard of the Twilight Saga or though of picking it up until it was announced to appear on the big screen starring break out celebrities and hotties Robert Pattinson and Taylor Lautner. And to add onto it a good majority of the mindless drones are repulsed at the thought of kissing the same sex let alone both the same and opposite sexes, they would rather just stick to the opposite. But oh no now it's just something they've been afraid to tell everyone for years until now. Bull fucking shit, this behavior over such things repulses me, where has being your own person gone? Can no one think for themselves and like what they like? I now have to wonder what will be the next fad?

Gotta love the imagination. Tonight as I walked home my imagination ran wild. In my mind the musical cries of coyotes were actually werewolves calling out to one another, all the while running through trees like the graceful predators they are.

Sometimes I wish I could speak out and say things I want to, things I should. Especially right now, but I can't because the people I need to tell these things to won't listen, probably don't even care. I want to go back and never have made the mistakes I did, then maybe it'd be different and I'd never have to say these things at all. I want to tell Miranda that I miss everything and that I'm scared I really did lose the best friendship I ever had. She wouldn't listen and she wouldn't see. She was always the person I trusted with everything and she was always there. Sure she will say now that she's still my best friend, but I question it? It's like there's some HUGE invisible wall between us and that I'll never be able to get by it so that we can just go back to being best friends. To having fun, understanding things no one else could, and having trust. I miss her.

Uhm....wow gotta be by mistake?! But it just shocks me and gives me butterflies. I text Cory asking him how his day of freedom was since St. Dom's is lucky and had no school today. His reply? "Kinda boring, wish I could have spent it with u". ZOMFG! He must have text the wrong girl by accident thinking I was someone else no way he meant to say that to me. If he did omg omg omg.

So I've looked back at older posts and thought about how things were back in September and stuff. I noticed the tone has changed, and so have I. I'm not the same girl I was I'm not as naive or ignorant. Sure I miss the times back then I was blind to how things could be and of course I miss the stupidity. But hey I grew up, I changed and I am me because of it. Sure it took some hard times and days that I have no idea how I survived, but I made it. :]