Pain killers, alcohol and stupidity doesn't stop the hurt it only numbs it. The bitchiness, bad attitude and self seclusion isn't helping. Her ignorance, avoidance and immiturity is just killing me.

I'm getting a bad attitude, bad habits and making bad choices, I know that. And it's all just part of my stupidity. I'm trying to do things to numb myself because what is hurting me is something I haven't even said on here because I can't I haven't even completely told myself since I haven't accepted it all yet. But none of the bad is helping me get back on my feet. Substance abuse or all the misuse isn't making me forget and it probably never will.

I may never be perfect, but at least I'll always be real. That is something you may never be.

Ok so I guess I quit. Apparently I just can't do what I like without losing a friend. So no more band.

I kind of wish I was her, then you wouldn't hate me and I might be good enough. But then I realize that I wouldn't because she's just using you, and that's something I would never do. I also wouldn't because she talks people down and becomes a poser, trying to be like them just to steal their best friends.

I've never felt so lost. I feel alienated in my own group of friends, the place where I had always felt safe, where I belonged. Everything was just fine walking into the home ec room with Mir but then Jasmine was there. And she like hung off Mir, and it seemed like it was perfect that way and I just didn't belong. Never have I felt like such a high wall was between me and my best friend. It hurts so much.

There are two things in life that always seem to help me get by, my friends and music. Well now it seems I can't have both. I can stay and band and watch as I lose my best friend to some fake who is only using her or I can quit and hopefully keep my best friend. I shouldn't have to choose but if I don't there's far too much I could lose. But I'm scared if I quit band they will get mad and think I was only in it for Seattle, but that is far from true I came back because I love the music and the rush of playing. Music is the breath of life. Then my friends, especially my best friend mean the world to me, and I don't want to lose that or see her hurt. Friends are my top value in life. How can I ever make this choice?

Addiction To The Blade...

One simple cut,
It can't do much..
Just one slice;
One slice, like the roll of the dice.
A touch above the vein,
Lets play this deadly game.
Blood flows freely.
Oh no, have I cut to deeply?
Watch as the pain shoots through.
I told you I could do this too.
You played your cards,
Can't you see the scars?
This wound is but a material release
Red stains of blood soon increase.
Could this be the day I lose my life?
Stolen silently by the knife.
My last breath given to you I could not save
Now lay me softly in my grave
This is the addiction to the blade...

It doesn't matter what I do, say or try. I give me all just so you watch me fall. I put up patience and pretended to be all happy when I was dying inside. Sure it seemed to work but I just ruined whatever progress was being made. You tell me most of the time I over think everything then get pissed off. Now today when I'm tired of thinking and just want to to explain things a little more you tell me I'm not thinking and get pissed off What do you want me to do then because everything I have done just doesn't seem to be it? You told me it was looking up but obviously not now, I'm a failure and I failed you and I failed me once again.

For the first time I'm wishing I could stop time, and make it so I don't have to face the future. It really seems that every year something worse happens. This year I can't stand I lost my best friend who was the most important person I had. So I don't want to know what will happen next year. I'm afraid, and maybe it's stupid but I'm just not strong enough to take anymore.

Sometimes I think I'd really like to die, because then nothing could hurt me.

Why is it I had to fall for the one who could never return any feeling except for what seems like hate?

Well I guess I gotta love being Canadian, SNOW DAY! It was all great, no school, music and whatever else. Then I realized that well, I'm doing what I do every night I don't have work and EVERY weekend. Sometimes I just get tired or this nothing, nothing and well more nothing. Oh and to put the cherry on top the fighting laced in. I would kill to get my life back and have my favorite activity back in play, hanging with friends (you know the people that I just don't have anymore?).

I'm sorry that I'm just not good enough...

Pressure

Now I know just how bad its gotten

I feel the pressure

Raining down on me

The weight of the world,

Heavy on my shoulders.

My problems flooding into a pool of tears

Upon the floor

Drowning me in the darkness.

How much longer can I take it?

I’ll stand just as long as I can

Here on this edge.

But be warned I’m slipping, falling away.

Away from here

Leaving me senseless and numb

Now I have no where to turn

No where to go, not even a place to hide.

Who will save me?

When the pressure is crashing

Down on me

This cold sensation wraps its hands around me

Dipping me under in flames of confusion

Leaving me here with all the problems

Its tearing me apart from the inside

Though I'll show it on the outside

Only put on my mask, start me charade

But it hurts

Pierces through my heart

Now I know just how bad its gotten'

I feel the pressure.

Because these are my last words,
And this is my last breath.
I'd give you everything,
But I've got nothing left...

I'm so nervous my insides have knotted together. Sure I'm only one flute out of four but my pitch is so off. I'll kill the performance tonight. Most days I'm pretty good but my flute's screeched my notes for the last few and it will stick out at the concert tonight.

Why did you leave?

I know the pressure your under,
I understand because I'm there,
There as a friend.
I know when you lie,
Like when you say "I'm Sick"
I can hear that there is something wrong.
I know the world is cruel,
Even to you.
Don't cry, don't cry,
I won't forget you.
Your my friend, my pal.
You can tell me everything.
I won't tell a soul,
I will be the only one to know.
I'm like your sister,
Now, where did you go?


This is the poem that means the world to me. It seems like an eternity since it was written for me, and I love the person who wrote it dearly she was the best friend ever, though I doubt they think this way anymore. Miss you Miranda....

Friends don't treat friends like poison.