School is going to be killer to sit through tomorrow! Sure I have my best friend again and it's new semester with my fun classes. But I'll have to wait all day until the game. Mhm...that's right my first basket ball game! Cory asked if I wanted to come, and for sure I will. And after I told him I had never seen a b-ball game in my life he said he'd look good after all (he always looks good anyway). And he asked me what I'd do if he scored the buzzer beater that won the game from half court lol. I could only tell him I didn't know but the voice in the back of my head was screaming kiss him but I'd probably just settle with hugging him. I'm so sure he was flirting! Not only that he is apparently writing a book, he had 2 pages done but typed another tonight while talking to me. Cory described it to me and it's totally the kind of book I would read (Med evil setting) and he said when he had added a bit more he was going to print a copy for me so I could read it. *Sqeeeeeeeee!*

Yes I am so falling for Cory. But...Ya a fucking catch I'm still so deep drowning for feeling towards someone else. It's so complicated and they don't even know. I was going to tell them...really. But it took one week from them to go from human to this, this....thing! I can't take it, I shouldn't even care because they don't care about me or the fact that it hurts so damned much that they aren't here anymore. Well they are alive just not the person I know and they make me miserable.

I wish you knew how amazingly easy you are to talk to and the way I get butterflies talking to you. And I like how I get to talk to you until you go to bed. Even the most randomly pointless conversations mean so much to me. Thank you.

Lol back to apples and tea again!

So I kinda sorta maybe like you a lot more than I originally planned.

Why? Why are the words I so desperately want to say to him so hard to say? It's like I'll choke if I dare try to speak them. And I'm paralyzed unable to press send if I try to text them. I know the worst I can get is a "no" and I'm not afraid of that. And to make it all worse I have butterflies thrashing blindly around in my stomach!

Uhm...can someone say wow? I don't know if it's true but Lynn wouldn't lie to me, but apparently Cory told her he likes me *Insert blush on my part* OMG! But....yes there always is a catch to these things. His biggest concern is "How will us dating affect work and work affect us". Other than that he wants to date me, or so I'm told. So just WOW. Never had that luck but we have to talk and stop being so shy.

Addicted? Maybe but at least this drug isn't bad for my health because is it isn't really even a drug at all. It's a boy. Friends first but later maybe there's more. I want to just know more

I think I want to get to know Cory better. Sure he's kind of a friend but he's a mystery. He's a very nice guy, gentlemanly as well. And by his own words he isn't most guys, just Cory. I really like that about him. He isn't afraid to be himself...Anyway today his Dad was bugging me jokingly because he knew I went and gave Cory some of the cupcakes from the night of the icing fight. He came up joking about how I was spoiling Cory. So I asked if he had tried the cupcakes cause they are really good. His reply was no but Cory had kept telling him that they were indeed really good. Haha I'm glad Cory likes them. I wonder if girls have ever given him anything like that before? If not well it's a shame his such a nice guy. <3

So uhm...wow?! I have to write this so I never ever forget. Okay so Sunday evening cupcake making and icing fight! Totally needed that and no one was better to spend it with than Jada, Cassy and Cory! So we made Gir, purple and chocolate cupcakes well at least us girls baked them. Cory had a free bit of time after his shift at work so I said he was welcome to come and ice some cupcakes with me. And to my complete surprise he did! He was so obviously nervous...And me I had to open my mouth and say how quiet and calm we were icing the cupcakes as opposed to our hyperness earlier. That started it Cassy hit me with icing. And so the war began! Amazingly Cory managed to dodge icing flying for a bit while Jada, Cassy and I were covered...well until I asked him is he'd kill me if I hit him. His reply was no but he'd have to get me back. So I threw a bunch of yellow icing at him. He tried to get me back. The WHOLE kitchen was covered in blue, yellow, pink and white icing walls, floor, chairs, couches and everything. And Jada got the rainbow star sprinkles dumped down her shirt. Last night I found out Grampa watched some of the fight threw the kitchen window and Cory swears he'll get me back when I least expect it.

Can't believe Lynn wants to set me and Cory up. Ya Cory is a very good looking boy, who is kind hearted and a gentleman. He apparently said he would go on a date with me but didn't think I liked him that way and that no girls like him. Is he joking? I mean he is damned fine he could have any girl. Oh well the icing war was fun, and he was a part!

It has come to my attention that I just don't understand parents or maybe just not my parents. Like my Mom always complained about caring about me and my brother such as cooking for us and so on. And yet she has no quelms about taking care of her Grandchildren. She will cook, for them and play with them with no if's, and's or but's. And lastly she speaks of how she never see's her Grandchildren, when really she see's them more than me. I know it's unfair to say I hate them but I do however dislike them because I deem it unfair that my own Mother does not act like a Mom to me nor my brother.

I wish life guaranteed some out, a way to be someone who isn't me. I can't take it anymore. I think I love you but you hate me. Deny it but you sure act cold. Conversations are empty and it kills. You joke your going to kiss me or you want me all to yourself but your joking to seem fun to the group. They all gave up on me too, it's all shattered and I can't hold myself together forever. Sure I can smile and i can put on that happy face because I want to be ok, I want you or someone to make it ok, reach down and pick me up from here. But no one will...

Poems, songs from our hearts;
The things we cannot say.
If I wrote one...
Would you understand my feelings,
For you?

So even though your to blind to realize you hurt me, and tried asking me why and what you did, I still have those stupid feelings. I keep thinking of you and holding onto that memory, but it seems broken some how not so serene. What is with me? And what's with you? For some reason no matter how hopeless it is I want to stand by the thought that maybe you didn't mean those harsh words, that your just hurting too. Is there any chance that you felt something too what it all went down, and now your just as confused as me?

Ever had the feeling that no matter how far you ran you could never out run that which you ran away from? Your just stuck in that place where you don't know what to do or how to get back to normal. And when the silence of being alone comes and you run out of distractions that horrible thing called thinking comes and doesn't stop. All the memories, the words, the should've, could've and what if's play on a role and your searching for the answers. The thought is needed but sometimes it can't be stopped. The repetition if the thinking leaves you breathless. I get this, well maybe its only me but I hate it.

"Shit happens", that's all you can say when I ask you why you had kissed me? Nice to know it meant nothing to you darling. But I hope you know each kiss and each touch simple as they were meant a lot to me. I fell for you, damn I wish I could say you tripped me, either way I fell hard. You still make my pulse race and make me lose my mind. But seriouslt shit happens?! Why, do I have any feelings left for you...